IKN Exclusive: Osama Bin Laden Seeks Political Asylum in Peru

As Borev noted today, Peru has fast become the international safe haven of every scumbag delinquent who squeals "Hey, Political NotFair!!" and hightails it over to the land of ceviche and purple corn. Borev dixit:

Way to go, Peru. Your generous asylum policy extends to, let's see, Venezuelan coup conspirators, embezzlement scam artists, and now a Bolivian minister "charged with genocide in the 2003 killing of dozens of protesters," yikes.

But tonight, IKN can EXCLUSIVELY REVEAL that Osama Bin Laden has slipped over the border into Peru and is spending the night at Machu Picchu on his way to Lima to claim asylum from (and I quote the BinMan) "All those nasty men who keep following me. Allah be praised."

Judging by the recent record of the Twobreakfasts government, it seems as though he's set fair for a quiet life by the seaside now.

Freedom fries served.

Peru's Emergency Growth Plan Revealed

On the back of the Manuel BraveSirRobin Rosales and his escape from what he calls political persecution in Venezuela (and what normal people call corruption and tax evasion), Bolivians about to face trial are skipping into Peru, too.

Three of the 15 ex-gov't lackeys in the 2003 Goni government accused of the illegal killing of up to 60 people in the El Alto "gas wars" disturbances of that period have made it to Lima and are seeking politial asylum there. So since then we've had a whole new round of name-calling, with, Evo saying that Peru can't turn into a "centre for criminals" calling Alan "chabacano" (which roughly translates as 'tacky' or 'vulgar' under the circumstances) and demanding the return of the exiles, and then Peru's criollo dumbass ruling class wringing their hands and going "Oooooh! He can't say thaaaaat! What a horrible thing to say!" without noting that Peru's education minister Chang used exactly that word against Evo in March and Dr. Morales was just returning the favour.

But it's all clearly a smoke'n'mirrors thing anyway as IKN can exclusively reveal that all these corrupt foreign politics are being invited to Peru because of their swollen back pockets. According to our top financial source* this "bring on the badass rich dudes" ploy is the brand new plan to keep Peru's ficticious growth rate moving forward.

Pisco sours served.

*the guy that sells the morning paper

Manuel "Brave Sir Robin" Rosales granted political asylum by Peru

Brave Sir Robin ran away
Bravely ran away, away
When danger reared its ugly head
He bravely turned his tail and fled
Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about
And gallantly he chickened out
Bravely taking to his feet
He beat a very brave retreat
Bravest of the brave, Sir Robin

The Ballad of Sir Robin, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, 1975

In news almost as unshocking as Studmuffin's election win yesterday, Peru's APRA party has just decided to accept the large brib....SORRY!...grant political asylum to Manuel Rosales.

Pisco sours served. The end.